ATTENTION, THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIPT INCLUDES MANY INSIDE JOKES. IF YOU HAVE NOT OR WILL NOT EVER ATTEND THE ROAD HAWGS SUMMER FOOTBALL TOURNAMENT YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND THE JOKES. DISREGARD THIS POST. HAVE A NICE DAY.
Here is the transcript of the press conference that Sergio and I held yesterday for the members of the media...
SERGIO: Okay, we are going to begin this press conference with Coach Peterson. Just so you all know, there will be only one question allowed per person and no questions, no mentioning, and absolutely no inferences of the phrase 5-2 in any way shape or form. Understood? Thank you. AND Cairns Sucks. Okay, you in the back go ahead...
REPORTER: Do you feel you have your team prepared adaquately for the August long weekend tournament in Edmonton? More importantly for the drinking that it involves?
SERGIO: I am sorry that was two questions, don't do it again. In fact that is one less question that the coach will answer today. Don't F with coach. Strike one. Cairns Sucks.
COACH: That is an average question, very predictable. Of course our team is ready for the long weekend. They have been working very hard at thier skill and have been running drills. Think about it people, these guys are professionals. Some of these guys train 365 days a year, and have been doing this for their entire adult lives. They do not need me to get them ready, if they do we are in a real hurtbag. To answer your quesiton in a short sentence...My boys will be ready to drink and party, no one can come even close to these guys alcohol tolerance.
The real question is that friggin' van gonna be ready for the road trip accross hell?
SERGIO: Next, Only one question please. You the ugly one up front.
UGLY REPORTER UP FRONT: Is the rumor true that the team this year will be staying away from the usual clubhouse and has been banned from the premisis? We have heard that there was property damage last year and that the boss has kicked you out.
SERGIO: Dammit, only one question.
COACH: We have heard those same rumors and all I can say is that this is internal team business and we will take care of it internally. I will say that I have not been kicked out as of yet. Yet. Oh, and Cairns Sucks.
SERGIO: Next, you, the stupid one in the middle...yeah you, the one with the Cleveland Browns shirt on. Man is that stupid.. Go ahead.
STUPID ONE IN THE MIDDLE: Will there be any pillowbiting this year?
COACH: Uh, no. The pillowbiter was removed and banned from the team for all times. Pillowbiting and lying to your team is not permitted. A true Road Hawg will never lie to his team. Or pass out on in a chair when the rest of the team is going to drink.
SERGIO: Okay, you, the one who is on fire!!
REPORTER WHO IS ON FIRE: Does Cairns suck?
COACH: Yes. Cairns Sucks.
SERGIO: We have established that Cairns Sucks. The guy in the crinkled shirt...
CRINKLED SHIRT JERK: We all know that Cairns sucks, but What about the fact that the last few years have been more about drinking and less about football. Have you addressed that with your team?
COACH: That is the first intelligent question of the conference. Yes, I am hoping that this year there will be more attention to details like, passing, catching, kicking, defense, offence, running, blocking, and all around performance on the field and less concentration on the activities off the field. I think these guys are prolific enough in their drinking that they can take some time off to concentrate on football. Not winning a single game is unacceptable. It is pathetic in fact.
SERGIO: Okay, the gay trucker like one in the rear. Get it, in the Rear?
THE GAY TRUCKER LIKE ONE IN THE REAR: The analysis of the last game shows two things, Cairns Sucks and your defense, which for the most part was stable, coould be described as a Five to Two...
SERGIO: That's it, security escort this man out. Make sure you pepper spray him on the way out. In fact, this press conference is over. We do not have to take this. In fact, that is strike three. Mow the damn lawn. Here take this chair....(throws chair)
PRESS CONFERENCE ENDED
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